Optimizing my worthlessness.

So I am surrounded by the most brilliant people in India and can you guess how does it make me feel?

Its a biter sweet feeling, bitter because the level of inferiority complex I used to feel has reached a totally new threshold; sweet because in the long run, I am definitely becoming smarter day by day.

But hey! Ever considered the gap between this situation? Let me tell you what happens.

Staring blankly at people when they talk high-funda science, well not exactly blank all the time, but yes I have a few moments when I am playing cross and nuts on their faces. Then comes the point when you have to show that you really are not dumb, you have to ‘pretend’ to understand it by basically nodding or agree with a hum. Then you have to summarize the meeting cause you are the fucking in charge. Could life get worse? Subtly. If I loose my eyesight or limbs or something as bizarre as that.

After a complete breakdown and feeling the optimum level of worthlessness, I stare at my room wall. If I were a designer, I would have splashed some colors and added synchronizing origami figures. But I am a scientist, working in a physics department, all design should mean to me is the waves in different frequencies. The white of the room starts to bore my vision and I look away, I decide to put some solution to it. Of course I cry.

I decide to plan on my solution, instead of going into utter depression, lets find a way out. I have time to study physics from the scratch, and considering that I am a biologist I can flaunt some basic laws of neuroscience and genetics till I can reach to a point where I can process and reciprocate their Feynman language. Physics has always been in my hate list thanks to my horrible high school teacher. But lets add some love to the hatred. Let me try to love physics.

For now, let me Google search every possible thing about the basics of physics. It is fine if my search history reads the words “Physics for dummies” , Desperation for knowledge is good. Always.

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Change is the constant.

After what seems like countless days of packing boxes, I have reached a permanent settlement. Well, even 6 months permanent is a privilege to me. As I lie on the hostel room allotted to me, I smile through all the confusion, the tears, the drama, the anxiety. I FINALLY HAVE A ROOM ALL TO MYSELF. I wish to add some lights to it, I wish to paste posters, I wish to decorate it in every possible way. The excitement is creeping in, its a brand new start, its the dawn of a new phase in my life; the ultimate adulthood. I have piles of working leaning on my shoulders, research papers, books, projects. But I have a very positive feeling about it, I feel I will make it, and I love this optimism brewing through my blood.

When I rewind a few weeks down my life, I can visualize a younger me, weeping that things will change. I can see her crying while having a shower, crying while sleeping, crying while walking. Tears rolling down her cheek with a fear of loosing people, with a sore heart, puffy eyes and red nose; The fear of change. But little did she know, change is a must. Even in this dynamic universe, nothing is permanent, things change, gradually, slowly, but they do. That is the way of life. The big Greek alphabet Delta rules every parameter of life. It still intrigues me that if life is always changing, why do we tend to comfort ourselves, adjust ourselves to our environment. If one knows, things will change, he should be ready to be on the run! I think that’s the irony, we learn to settle down to know that we have to start preparing for a new settlement. Change is the constant.

Yes, I do miss my old life, my friends, my 100 year old house, my parents, my city, the shops, the lifestyle, the climate (oh, so so much; Pune has the best climate in the world) the roads. I will miss the familiarity. I will miss it a lot. But I am equally excited to explore this new place, to observe the lifestyle here, to acquaint myself to new people, to enlighten myself with new roads, new shops, new roads and this new climate (although it will take truck loads of criticism to reach that level)

As I rest my head on this new property I have owned, I prepare myself for a new journey. There is a lot of great work to be done, till then let me enjoy the moment. Let me embrace the serenity. A little housewarming gift to myself!

Getting sorted by the Sorting hat.

When I was 11 I had started reading Harry Potter, courtesy to my elder brother who always introduced awesome things my way. And on my 12th birthday, I was expecting an owl to fly over my house and post that famed letter which had that blazing Hogwarts logo. As it hit me, Harry Potter was fiction. I remember wetting my pillow that night chanting the various spells like a wannabe muggle.

Since then, I have never wanted to be a part of Hogwarts till today. I am 21, and I am confused over what to do with my life. my interests spread around so many different arena, its difficult to select one profession and go on with it. Whenever I meet  anyone I am tormented with questions like  “what are you doing in your life?” “Beta, BSc ho gayi, ab MSc ya MBA?”  “Do you want to work or study?” and worse, “Shaadi kab karni hai?”. I coldly answer them that I am taking a year down to figure out what do I want to do. I wait to notice the same old diminishing smile and how they try to figure out the most decent way to frame how am I a looser. They talk about how risky it is to take a year down, well, ever thought how risky it is to study/work all your life and realizing in your 50s that you fell in the trap. The trap laid down over generations. Where is the liberty to do whatever one likes? Is life like an enzymatic cascade where one reaction needs to be led into the next and so on? Is that our purpose in life? To get numerous degrees and work under some multinational company, minting currencies, marrying some stranger which your parents select (who btw earns xy lakhs per annum, owns a fancy AUDI and has a secret obsession for Sasha Grey)   and then producing progeny to satisfy the needs of your in-laws to become grandparents. If that makes you a winner, I would rather live a life like a looser. Doing what I love, a free spirit.

But that’s not even the catch, I will be happy with the looser tag, but what about me being totally unaware of what is my purpose in life? Being a biologist, an organism’s way to complete its life cycle is to produce progeny and leave their genetic mark on this planet before they become a part of the lithosphere. But we are humans, we have extra fat in our brains and we also have the ability to perceive life a different way and to contradict the theory proposed above. But what is it? How did John Nash or Albert Einstein knew what they wanted to do in their life? well, maybe they were prodigies. They knew all the way along. But how does one know what do they want to do?

I really hope there was a sorting hat in my life, shouting out things good for me. Categorizing me into an ideal profession with a know-it-all smirk. But Its a question no one knows to answer. Its a self build puzzle and I am looking for its last piece.

Maybe some day  I will come across it, maybe some day it will all make sense, the big picture.

Hope. That’s all I have.

Namaste my imaginary reader!

I am an Indian and I am taking a year down before I start off for my further education. Yes, this is what defines me currently. I am just like any other average girl, in terms of academics, popularity, morphology. Being average was pretty unique a few years back, but now every other protagonist in any random TV show portrays a simple, average girl’s life. Except for the fact that the girl eventually either becomes immensely popular, has to choose between two hot guys to date or becomes a rich, prosperous business profile’s lover. Why doesn’t anyone ever portray the real story? Of how every time i look into the mirror I am disappointed with my human features, of how I add a hundred filters on my profile picture and jump with joy at a handful likes? Of how lost I am about my career? Of how do I feel living my horrible stinky life?

Well, here is an insight into the real average-ness.